Whoops, that could have gone better!
Whoops, that could have gone better!
Have you ever come out of a conversation thinking, “well, that definitely could have gone better!”
Welcome to ‘The human race’! I’ve had that thought with all the associated feelings that go with it, many times.
We can often come out of the conversation, either feeling bad, beating ourselves up about how it went, or, apportion some of the blame for the failure on the other person.
Interestingly though, we haven’t rectified anything yet. Possibly the only thing we have achieved so far is a feeling of awkwardness with the other person.
When I think back to some of the times when I’ve come out of a conversation and immediately known it didn’t go well, I have been able to identify that perhaps I didn’t plan as well as I could have for the conversation in the first place.
Sometimes this can be because of excitement, frustration, or even anger. We rush into a conversation because the key thing to us in that moment is to get what we have to say, out. We even sometimes, stupidly think that the other person is going to take all our comments on board, and the world will be back on its axis and life will be sweet! Even as I write this, I know it is a huge gamble to approach conversations in that way, yet how many times do we do it? We run straight into the fire, headfirst and we have done this multiple times!
It reminds me of the famous quote “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
What's happening on the inside?
Often when we need to approach high-stakes conversations, it is useful for us to take a breath and remind ourselves that if this is an important conversation, we need to plan it.
We often approach these conversations from our own perspectives. We are often desperate to get our point of view across. We may have emotion loaded into the topic because we either feel really passionate about the subject or maybe something has happened to push our buttons.
Regardless, we need to gain a balanced perspective before we have the conversation. But what is it we need to balance, I hear you ask?
The Influence Triad
Welcome to the Influence Triad. Ego, Results, and Relationships are the three key areas we need to balance when we are having high-stakes conversations with others.
For clarification, a high-stakes conversation is one where you need the other person to agree with you, commit or comply with something, or when you want them to be inspired and join you on the journey.
Let’s take a closer look at the Influence Triad components.
Ego
The first thing we need to check in on is our ego. Some people struggle with the word Ego and if that is you, then think of it as the Energy you are bringing into the conversation. Ego can represent our sense of self so if you are the leader or someone who holds more positional power than the other person you will be speaking to, you probably don’t need to bring any more ego (or power energy) to the conversation – it’s already there. Equally, you need to have enough ego, so you have the confidence and therefore the conviction to express your communication in a way where your ideas and suggestions will be considered fully.
Results
As leaders, it’s natural for us to be focused on results and the outcomes we want our people to achieve. However, if we go into a conversation with too much focus on results, it will cause an imbalance in the other areas. If this happens often in leader’s conversations, a reputation of being someone who puts results before people could be created and others may not feel the leader is open to collaboration or hearing ideas from others. They may be viewed as a bit of a bulldozer.
Relationships
The final part we want to balance is relationships. This is about working alongside people, getting to know them as individuals (even if they are in a team), and helping them achieve their potential. Some leaders I work with have been promoted internally and find it difficult to make the shift from colleague to leader. Other leaders don’t like conflict or having tough conversations because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or run the risk of not being liked or upsetting people. We want our interactions and conversations to build relationships, not destroy them.
How a leader is playing their inner game will determine the impact they will have with their outer game. We must take responsibility for that. Understanding how you do your leadership from the inside out is critical.
Next time you are due to have a high-stakes conversation with one of your team, or, your own leader, give some thought to your Influence Triad – how balanced are these things as you go into the conversation? If they are not balanced, do yourself (and the person you plan to speak to) a favour and figure out why you are focused on one area over the others. Once you know this you can better plan for a balanced conversation.